Kamp Kwacha
Frodo, Sparkly Eyes and I are planning to conduct a business training camp for 25 Form 3 and Form 4 students in August. For the past two months we have been planning the curriculum, designing the schedule, and securing financing for the camp. Though we originally planned to fund from PCPP, we decided to fund instead from VAST. Our camp, which we have endearingly named Kamp Kwacha, does have a major focus on HIV/AIDS prevention and targets a very crucial age group. Income generation and self-sufficiency are important areas to develop among these students, especially girls. I have just finished writing the grant and putting together the budget for George. The camp will be five days hosted at the Jonah Mission in Senga Bay. I haven’t seen the location myself, but Frodo said it’s a beautiful lakeshore location and has all the facilities we need to host classes and guest speakers. He also said the staff is wonderful and very friendly. We have a preliminary list of ten volunteers with business backgrounds to serve as counselors. The students will be invited from all over Malawi and they will face a screening process that tests competency in English as well as entrepreneurial spirit. We chose to target this age group because they are in process of preparing for life post-secondary school. Very few will go on to university and most will end up with some menial job or farming. Small-business can be the key to living a better life and all they need are the skills to run a business. Many organizations do superficial business skills training in Malawi, including Peace Corps. However, our goal with this camp is to take it a step further and teach more advanced concepts. Over the course of five days we hope to instill a solid business understanding and inject some national pride and creativity in the students. Tall order but we are confident. First and foremost, cross our fingers and pray the funding gets approved.
50th Anniversary
Peace Corps turns 50 this year, in September to be exact. The Malawi office, along with the U.S. Embassy is planning a list of celebratory activities for this year. A committee was formed tasked with undertaking this mammoth project which includes things from a party, to t-shirts, pins, documentaries, and a coffee table book. I am on this committee and was charged with the video portion of the project. Starting with March 1st, the first video deadline and when JFK spoke at Michigan, I have to complete short videos about PCVs in Malawi and their work. The collection email was sent out last week and we wait for submissions of video, music, and pictures. Of course, the problem is I’m in my village, the content is in Lilongwe and I have no means to edit. Luckily, Lois brought her Mac loaded with all the necessary software, so I will have to journey to Lilongwe each month to edit videos and have them ready for the Embassy. This could be a fun project, I haven’t edited in so long, but I worry of the travel and time constraint away from site. I hope it does not affect other project work.
VAC - Freasurer
Last September I was elected to VAC. Last month VAC made the move to combine the Treasurer and Fundraiser positions on the Executive Committee. This was mainly because the transit houses were closed and the VAC lost its funding source along with the ability to control its own funding account. With a heavily reduced income source, now primarily t-shirt sales, there was no need for two positions. Both the current Treasurer and Fundraiser were due to COS in the next few months and elections were held for the combined position. I was elected to this position that we have jokingly titled Freasurer. The position’s responsibilities include managing VAC funds, bookkeeping and maintaining records, and overseeing t-shirt production and sales. T-shirt sales were a default fundraising scheme once the transit houses closed. The interesting part of the position will be overhauling fundraising activities and devising clever alternatives to raise money. Fortunately it is the 50th Anniversary and this provides an ample source of merchandise and much bigger market that extends to the U.S. The main purpose of VAC funds is to sponsor volunteer projects in Malawi and pay for PCV events.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Project Updates - Part III
Women’s Group
The Women’s Group has lost some momentum over the last two months. The main reasons being that I was away and all the women are busy tending to tobacco. They made over Mk. 3,000 from jam sales last year, a great figure for a business they just started. Also, the women planted the CG-7 groundnuts this year so that we would not have to buy more when we begin oil pressing again. Fortunately, TLC has promised us two more presses which will increase our production. With the EPA office almost completed we will be able to move all our supplies and have a central location for meetings. Over the next month I hope to make the stamps and labels for the jam bottles to begin expanding the market for selling. Wellesley designed a lovely logo that will serve as the group logo and be part of a large mural on the EPA’s northern wall. Otherwise, there are some other ideas we are floating about for businesses. The group has been successful but the lack of self-sufficiency worries me. They have funds, members and resources to continue but the problem is they are not generating enough money yet. We will keep pushing until the businesses are more established and perhaps we will reach a point where they are generating enough profit to make it worthwhile to operate these businesses full-time.
M24
The road from Rumphi boma all the way up to Chitipa is horrendous to say the least. It is the infamous back road to Chitipa and is the shortest distance between the two bomas. The only problem is that it is the worst road in Malawi and gets progressively worse the further you travel, the worst of which begins after Chilenda camp. Currently, the only way to get to Chitipa safely and timely is to travel around Nyika, through Karonga and then west to the boma. This is a longer distance but really the only option. The entire stretch of the back road measures about 224km. The portion closest to Chitipa is nearly impassible with gaping cracks and dangerous cliffs. The portion from Rumphi boma to the Mwazisi turnoff (basically Chitanga) is labeled M24 on the road network map. This is the portion that Wellesley and I hope to get paved. The entire road is currently under analysis by the Arab Development Bank, they hope to pave all 224km of the back road. The initial and economic reports have been completed but there has been an issue with completing the feasibility study. Due to internal disagreements the project has been put on hold for an unknown period of time and it could be years before any progress is made. Thus, we have undertaken the task of finding funding for the unpaved 40km segment of M24. This segment faces the heaviest traffic and is economically a vital area. All the main villages run along this road and these villages have access to electricity. While in Lilongwe, we met with the Roads Authority’s chief engineer and collected all the current reports on this road. He was an incredibly helpful and well-spoken man that showed us designs for a cheaper road that is just as strong. We were able to reduce the cost estimate from $600,000 per km to $200,000. This puts the total cost at roughly $8 million to pave the M24. Now the hard part: funding. Once we complete further research we hope to begin shopping a small proposal to various donors, corporations, and embassies in hopes of slowly selling each portion of the road. $8 million is a large sum, but when broken up it amounts to a minute portion of donor budgets. We are fully aware we will not pave this road before our time ends, but we can at least put the wheels in motion.
The Women’s Group has lost some momentum over the last two months. The main reasons being that I was away and all the women are busy tending to tobacco. They made over Mk. 3,000 from jam sales last year, a great figure for a business they just started. Also, the women planted the CG-7 groundnuts this year so that we would not have to buy more when we begin oil pressing again. Fortunately, TLC has promised us two more presses which will increase our production. With the EPA office almost completed we will be able to move all our supplies and have a central location for meetings. Over the next month I hope to make the stamps and labels for the jam bottles to begin expanding the market for selling. Wellesley designed a lovely logo that will serve as the group logo and be part of a large mural on the EPA’s northern wall. Otherwise, there are some other ideas we are floating about for businesses. The group has been successful but the lack of self-sufficiency worries me. They have funds, members and resources to continue but the problem is they are not generating enough money yet. We will keep pushing until the businesses are more established and perhaps we will reach a point where they are generating enough profit to make it worthwhile to operate these businesses full-time.
M24
The road from Rumphi boma all the way up to Chitipa is horrendous to say the least. It is the infamous back road to Chitipa and is the shortest distance between the two bomas. The only problem is that it is the worst road in Malawi and gets progressively worse the further you travel, the worst of which begins after Chilenda camp. Currently, the only way to get to Chitipa safely and timely is to travel around Nyika, through Karonga and then west to the boma. This is a longer distance but really the only option. The entire stretch of the back road measures about 224km. The portion closest to Chitipa is nearly impassible with gaping cracks and dangerous cliffs. The portion from Rumphi boma to the Mwazisi turnoff (basically Chitanga) is labeled M24 on the road network map. This is the portion that Wellesley and I hope to get paved. The entire road is currently under analysis by the Arab Development Bank, they hope to pave all 224km of the back road. The initial and economic reports have been completed but there has been an issue with completing the feasibility study. Due to internal disagreements the project has been put on hold for an unknown period of time and it could be years before any progress is made. Thus, we have undertaken the task of finding funding for the unpaved 40km segment of M24. This segment faces the heaviest traffic and is economically a vital area. All the main villages run along this road and these villages have access to electricity. While in Lilongwe, we met with the Roads Authority’s chief engineer and collected all the current reports on this road. He was an incredibly helpful and well-spoken man that showed us designs for a cheaper road that is just as strong. We were able to reduce the cost estimate from $600,000 per km to $200,000. This puts the total cost at roughly $8 million to pave the M24. Now the hard part: funding. Once we complete further research we hope to begin shopping a small proposal to various donors, corporations, and embassies in hopes of slowly selling each portion of the road. $8 million is a large sum, but when broken up it amounts to a minute portion of donor budgets. We are fully aware we will not pave this road before our time ends, but we can at least put the wheels in motion.
Project Updates - Part II
MBA & TLC
Where to begin on the beekeepers? The FOM grant money has been well spent and over 100 hives have already been completed. The carpenters are hard at work while the remaining 80 planks are on the way. There was quite a bit of drama surrounding the transport of the planks. We paid the head of Parks & Wildlife at Nyika (Mr. Zamini) Mk. 14,000 for fuel to transport 200 planks from Chilenda to Mwazisi. The whole event was a disaster but 120 planks plus free discards made it to Mwazisi, meanwhile I lost my sanity. It took three days in the cold, rainy plateau and most of it spent arguing to the get the planks here. Once they made it, as I expected, Zamini cancelled the deal on the remaining planks and demanded another Mk. 14,000 to bring the rest. The man is a swindler, I knew the day I met him, silver-tongued he oozes of distrust and reeks of the criminal. However, we literally had no choice. I’ve called him numerous times since the first shipment and each time he has a new excuse on why he cannot bring the planks. The Parks department makes trips at least once a month to take the staff to a nearby boma to buy supplies and food. Chilenda is isolated and more trips are made, it’s just that this man wants some more money in his pocket and we don’t have any left. Private trucks transport large shipments of wood almost once a week to various selling points along the main road and to the boma. One of the selling points is Chitanga, the village next to Mwazisi. These trucks are owned by local merchants and definitely carry a little on top for friends and chiefs. That’s when I had the idea to try these trucks and even if they only carry 10-20 extra planks each trip they would eventually bring our remainder. Fortunately, the lead carpenter for the hive project is friends with a chief in Chitanga, whose son is a driver for the lumber trucks. He agreed to bring some planks each trip and the best part is it would only cost us Mk.500 per set transported. The plan is in motion, let’s hope it works. In the meantime, the Executive Committee is scouting an ideal location to hang the hives. Due to transport logistics in the rains the site maybe moved from Vwaza to Nyika.
Running parallel to up starting the Mwazisi Beekeepers is a greater project from Total Land Care. TLC’s Kulera Biodiversity Project has two years left on the clock and one of major segments is the amalgamation of all beekeeping groups in Nyika. Once combined, the new enterprise will explore opportunities in bottling and marketing honey under its own brand, perhaps even internationally. Currently, Mzuzu Coffee Growers bulk buys the honey from beekeepers around Nyika at an astonishingly low price. The farmers make virtually nothing and the company bottles and sells the honey at a significant premium. Cutting out this middle man is next logical step for these beekeepers that already produce quality honey in large quantities. Combining all the groups will enable a stable and constant supply of honey, which is crucial for any successful business. Also, the quantity will be in the hundreds of tones, enough to satisfy both residential and commercial customers. And most importantly, the new enterprise will redistribute profits back to the farmer and generate new income sources for many rural families. TLC has already sent consultants to analyze the prospects of this project. There is an office in Hayway filled with honey processing equipment that is unused. It was from an old grant provided by an NGO many years ago. The office is still there and I suggested that the new group use the facility for commencing processing. Mwazisi’s group will be merged into the larger group. Hopefully next week I and Mr. Mkandawire (TLC’s Northern chief) will travel to Thazima and meet with Duncan, the chairman of the Thazima Beekeepers Association. TBA is the largest honey producing group in Nyika and has been in existence since the 1980s. They are the biggest suppliers to Mzuzu Coffee and will serve as the central group once all the groups are combined. As with any large undertaking, we will see how this plays out.
Where to begin on the beekeepers? The FOM grant money has been well spent and over 100 hives have already been completed. The carpenters are hard at work while the remaining 80 planks are on the way. There was quite a bit of drama surrounding the transport of the planks. We paid the head of Parks & Wildlife at Nyika (Mr. Zamini) Mk. 14,000 for fuel to transport 200 planks from Chilenda to Mwazisi. The whole event was a disaster but 120 planks plus free discards made it to Mwazisi, meanwhile I lost my sanity. It took three days in the cold, rainy plateau and most of it spent arguing to the get the planks here. Once they made it, as I expected, Zamini cancelled the deal on the remaining planks and demanded another Mk. 14,000 to bring the rest. The man is a swindler, I knew the day I met him, silver-tongued he oozes of distrust and reeks of the criminal. However, we literally had no choice. I’ve called him numerous times since the first shipment and each time he has a new excuse on why he cannot bring the planks. The Parks department makes trips at least once a month to take the staff to a nearby boma to buy supplies and food. Chilenda is isolated and more trips are made, it’s just that this man wants some more money in his pocket and we don’t have any left. Private trucks transport large shipments of wood almost once a week to various selling points along the main road and to the boma. One of the selling points is Chitanga, the village next to Mwazisi. These trucks are owned by local merchants and definitely carry a little on top for friends and chiefs. That’s when I had the idea to try these trucks and even if they only carry 10-20 extra planks each trip they would eventually bring our remainder. Fortunately, the lead carpenter for the hive project is friends with a chief in Chitanga, whose son is a driver for the lumber trucks. He agreed to bring some planks each trip and the best part is it would only cost us Mk.500 per set transported. The plan is in motion, let’s hope it works. In the meantime, the Executive Committee is scouting an ideal location to hang the hives. Due to transport logistics in the rains the site maybe moved from Vwaza to Nyika.
Running parallel to up starting the Mwazisi Beekeepers is a greater project from Total Land Care. TLC’s Kulera Biodiversity Project has two years left on the clock and one of major segments is the amalgamation of all beekeeping groups in Nyika. Once combined, the new enterprise will explore opportunities in bottling and marketing honey under its own brand, perhaps even internationally. Currently, Mzuzu Coffee Growers bulk buys the honey from beekeepers around Nyika at an astonishingly low price. The farmers make virtually nothing and the company bottles and sells the honey at a significant premium. Cutting out this middle man is next logical step for these beekeepers that already produce quality honey in large quantities. Combining all the groups will enable a stable and constant supply of honey, which is crucial for any successful business. Also, the quantity will be in the hundreds of tones, enough to satisfy both residential and commercial customers. And most importantly, the new enterprise will redistribute profits back to the farmer and generate new income sources for many rural families. TLC has already sent consultants to analyze the prospects of this project. There is an office in Hayway filled with honey processing equipment that is unused. It was from an old grant provided by an NGO many years ago. The office is still there and I suggested that the new group use the facility for commencing processing. Mwazisi’s group will be merged into the larger group. Hopefully next week I and Mr. Mkandawire (TLC’s Northern chief) will travel to Thazima and meet with Duncan, the chairman of the Thazima Beekeepers Association. TBA is the largest honey producing group in Nyika and has been in existence since the 1980s. They are the biggest suppliers to Mzuzu Coffee and will serve as the central group once all the groups are combined. As with any large undertaking, we will see how this plays out.
Project Updates - Part I
EPA
The main office building is practically completed, only some minor finishing touches remain. We are also waiting on the DADO to wire the building for electricity. I have decided to assign one of the open offices for NGOs that operate in Mwazisi, a list which currently includes: Peace Corps, TLC and DAMRA. This will make it easier for the extension workers to store materials, keep books, and track the progress of running projects. Hopefully, this will also encourage a greater presence by the NGO and greater participation by the community. The next phase of the project is the construction of toilets. We hope to finance this portion with community contributions, which are supposed to amount to 25% of total funding under the LDF/World Bank rules. To meet and exceed that threshold we have asked all area chiefs (40 of them) to provide monetary and labor aid to the construction of these toilets. Our funds are running short, we barely have enough to cover the toilets and we need assistance. We discussed so many different design plans, my head is spinning. The community wants strong, expensive construction materials and practices for the toilet construction. As funny as this argument seems, we can’t afford it. So Mr. Mponda, Benedicto, and myself redesigned the structure to use a marginal increase in cement while eliminating the need for 20,000 bricks (Mk. 40,000). We hope this idea works and according to our design it should be just as strong, if not stronger, than the standard design. It is now almost mid-February and the construction of the main building should be entirely completed by the end of the month. Meanwhile, various community members are beginning to get jealous. Accusations are floating around that EPA committee is stealing funds and using it for themselves and thus we are doing a poor job with the construction. The biggest of these accusations was from the committee Chairman himself, who has never attend any meetings or helped with the project. Fortunately, there are enough good people in the community to defend the project and the tireless efforts of the committee. I am never doing a construction project here again.
Secondary School Business Club
Due to the success of the Women’s Group, I began a business club at the Secondary School. The main goal was to attract students in the later forms and teach them business skills. Several students had already come to me independently and indicated interest in learning about business. Granted I hate dealing with teenagers and had no interest in teaching class, the club was a nice compromise. The students in the club are wonderful and eager to learn. I have good mix of boys and girls and it’s already clear that the girls are much smarter and well-spoken. We had our first meeting last week and discussed several ideas for businesses. I tasked the members with doing some market research for the next meeting and we will see if our first business, a cinema house, will come to fruition. During the course of starting this business I will teach them basic skills and together we will write a business plan. This project is still in its infancy so will we see if sustains member interest over the next few months.
Safe Water Project
Using the buckets and Waterguard provided by PSI at IST, my counterpart and I have created a safe water club at both the Secondary and Primary schools. These clubs consist of several students tasked with fetching and treating borehole water for school consumption. In the case of the Primary School, where there are over 900 students, this is a major task but the students are enthusiastic and diligent. They have already consumed the initial supplies of Waterguard and are in need of more. In many schools in Malawi children are often dehydrated and the borehole water or river water they do consume leads to waterborne illnesses and diarrhea. Especially during the rainy season, ground water gets contaminated and is often murky. Thus, we provided the equipment for students to treat their water and conducted demonstrations on proper treatment. We also stress the importance of the clean drinking water for health and safety. After that, it’s all up to the students and the schools to continue the water program and we just have to regularly check-in on the status. Fortunately, the students have been active and we hope it continues.
The main office building is practically completed, only some minor finishing touches remain. We are also waiting on the DADO to wire the building for electricity. I have decided to assign one of the open offices for NGOs that operate in Mwazisi, a list which currently includes: Peace Corps, TLC and DAMRA. This will make it easier for the extension workers to store materials, keep books, and track the progress of running projects. Hopefully, this will also encourage a greater presence by the NGO and greater participation by the community. The next phase of the project is the construction of toilets. We hope to finance this portion with community contributions, which are supposed to amount to 25% of total funding under the LDF/World Bank rules. To meet and exceed that threshold we have asked all area chiefs (40 of them) to provide monetary and labor aid to the construction of these toilets. Our funds are running short, we barely have enough to cover the toilets and we need assistance. We discussed so many different design plans, my head is spinning. The community wants strong, expensive construction materials and practices for the toilet construction. As funny as this argument seems, we can’t afford it. So Mr. Mponda, Benedicto, and myself redesigned the structure to use a marginal increase in cement while eliminating the need for 20,000 bricks (Mk. 40,000). We hope this idea works and according to our design it should be just as strong, if not stronger, than the standard design. It is now almost mid-February and the construction of the main building should be entirely completed by the end of the month. Meanwhile, various community members are beginning to get jealous. Accusations are floating around that EPA committee is stealing funds and using it for themselves and thus we are doing a poor job with the construction. The biggest of these accusations was from the committee Chairman himself, who has never attend any meetings or helped with the project. Fortunately, there are enough good people in the community to defend the project and the tireless efforts of the committee. I am never doing a construction project here again.
Secondary School Business Club
Due to the success of the Women’s Group, I began a business club at the Secondary School. The main goal was to attract students in the later forms and teach them business skills. Several students had already come to me independently and indicated interest in learning about business. Granted I hate dealing with teenagers and had no interest in teaching class, the club was a nice compromise. The students in the club are wonderful and eager to learn. I have good mix of boys and girls and it’s already clear that the girls are much smarter and well-spoken. We had our first meeting last week and discussed several ideas for businesses. I tasked the members with doing some market research for the next meeting and we will see if our first business, a cinema house, will come to fruition. During the course of starting this business I will teach them basic skills and together we will write a business plan. This project is still in its infancy so will we see if sustains member interest over the next few months.
Safe Water Project
Using the buckets and Waterguard provided by PSI at IST, my counterpart and I have created a safe water club at both the Secondary and Primary schools. These clubs consist of several students tasked with fetching and treating borehole water for school consumption. In the case of the Primary School, where there are over 900 students, this is a major task but the students are enthusiastic and diligent. They have already consumed the initial supplies of Waterguard and are in need of more. In many schools in Malawi children are often dehydrated and the borehole water or river water they do consume leads to waterborne illnesses and diarrhea. Especially during the rainy season, ground water gets contaminated and is often murky. Thus, we provided the equipment for students to treat their water and conducted demonstrations on proper treatment. We also stress the importance of the clean drinking water for health and safety. After that, it’s all up to the students and the schools to continue the water program and we just have to regularly check-in on the status. Fortunately, the students have been active and we hope it continues.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Things I Miss (In No Particular Order)
Cooking with my mom. Eating home cooked meals, filling up to the brim with paneer, naan, kufta, kobhar anam, sambar, dosa, kobhar chutney, pachadis, gulab jamun, soampapadi, kodi goodu kura, payasum, ice cream. Washing it all down with a nap on the couch. With the TV on. Playing some quiet filling movie. Talking tech, books, movies with my dad. Having everything taken care off. Cleaners. Ice cold milk and warm chocolate chip cookies. Molten chocolate lava cake. And the white one too. Cheesecake. Chinese food. Delivered. Showering in the morning. Eating above and beyond physical limits with my sister. Baan Thai. Laughing hysterically at nothing for no reason. My sister teasing and annoying my mom because she’s bored. Annoying my dad because she’s bored. Annoying me because she’s bored. Impulsiveness. Dad eating something fatty, oily, or sweet and my mom scolding him. Coming home after being away, opening the door to the aroma of spices, music playing, voices chattering and being filled with the comfort of knowing you’re home. Endless hours to do whatever you want. Weekends. Shopping. Eating out. IM’ing while doing work, while talking on the phone, watching TV and eating…all at the same time. AC. Bathrooms. Hot morning showers. Absence of dust. Sinks. Giant mirrors. Walking around barefoot. My bed. Laundry machines. Wing nights with Fang. Blue Moon and orange slices. Disoriented Rock Band. Making fun of some new ridiculously skinny jeans that Jeff bought. Harvard Gardens. Red Hat. Sushi. Fang moaning after the first bite of sushi. Doon asking if his shirt made him look jacked. Acapulco’s with Raj, Kush and Dan. Cheese. Pizza. Viva Burrito. Anna’s. Felcarro’s. My apartment. Parties at my apartment. Dim sum Sundays with Henry. Eating way too much again. Then bakeries in Chinatown for moon cake, peanut butter buns and egg custard pastries. The commuter rail home. Red line. Green line. Orange line. Movie theatres. Watching movies with my family and the delicious snacks that usually accompanied. Netflix. My sister’s ability to make us laugh no matter how serious of a mood we are in. Buscalung. Teasing Prachi. Making fun of some ridiculous winter jacket designed for moon landings (or something) that Anil bought…with matching goggles. Being coerced into becoming a Huskies fan. Adventures with Nina. Trader Joe’s. Whole Foods. Hummus. Fast internet. Dressing nice. Not getting dirty the second you step outside. Talking about life with my sister. Fang making pot stickers. Our big TV. Sarcone and Arman and all the adventures, foods, beverages and comments about women that usually follow. My friends prescribed cheer up sessions when I’m depressed. Dunkin Donuts. Eating gross Chinese buffet food with my sister and paying $40 for it. Going back to the same place. Knowing everything in the lives of my family. Diya. Playing with the kids at my mom’s daycare. Springsteen and Floyd blasting through the apartment. Lengthy discussions about useless TV shows with roommates. Boston. Family, friends and everyone in between.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Conversation Has Changed
The cool wind atop the hill estate blew through the smoldering rubble of the manor. Overcast skies softened the light on her skin and the surrounding grass fields radiated a lush green. Russet wisps of her hair wandered over her cheeks which grew pale in the chilly morning air. Not a tear; as with everything in life she accepted loss to complications. She held his hand as they tread cautiously through the remains. The blackened indiscriminant shards of wood and glass crunched under their steps. Smoke was rising from embers still burning the night’s memory with a vengeance. A grand structure once stood tall in this very place, a home filled with memories passing on the legacy of a family. Reduced to ashes it is more than a mere memory now.
He had changed in the time of his absence. The guilt of his parents’ deaths had pushed him away from those closest to him, but now he was a man wholly reconstructed by an ideal. His guilt and his need for revenge transformed into a fight for justice. The mask he bore was no longer that of a nocturnal vigilante but that of a man he once was. He loved her. He always has, but his pursuit of an ideal was greater than her. It was greater than him. He accepted his solitude as a necessity much like his secrecy. It was difficult to abandon love for something so unknown and infinite. There is the fight and nothing else, no one else. In the outer realms of legend, he was no longer merely a man.
At a point in my life where they seem to have run rampant, I’m exhausted. What is it I’m so afraid of? What am I running from, clinging to their distraction? Looking at my life in hindsight I notice a common pattern and I question the very roots of reasoning for leaving home. I do not consider myself a weak person, though there are several ex-companions that would argue otherwise. At the core I have few fears, most of which are trivial, superficial, and can be overcome with knowledge and understanding. But drowning in thought, a quiet so loud I can hear its resonance, I’ve learned what it is I fear more than anything in the world. Being alone. Anyone that has read anything I’ve written would notice the undertones of solitude leaking, perhaps gushing, from words. I scramble to cram thoughts and distractions into my mind in fear that any small void unfilled will be filled with fear itself.
It’s an unfortunate fear to have, very un-masculine of me. Consider our iconic man; the brawny, broad-shouldered hero of myth and legend. Whether he wears a cape and red underpants, or orders a vodka martini (shaken, not stirred), or is a titan of 1960s Madison Avenue, he is the man we epitomize. Ordinary young men furiously emulate bulging biceps while acting devil may care. Women swoon at the mere thought of these legendary men they want but cannot have. This is society’s ideal man, evolutionary perfection we chiseled from stone earth from the time of Odysseus to Indiana. These men fear nothing, not beast, nor man, nor solitude. In fact, solitude is the string that ties these legends together. Every iconic hero embraces solitude as the ideal partner, never held down by a tangible companion.
Instead they are weighed down by an ideal. Perhaps it was distrust, or a death, or guilt that led them to this path of enlightenment. Once they elevate mortal feelings to true sense of purpose, the ideal becomes beneficiary of body, mind and soul. There is nothing left for anything or anyone else. An ideal. Is love an ideal? I used to believe in love, as a naïve man does. Why do our heroes never fight for love? Is it a quality we reserve for women? What dangers are the keepers of our ancestry warning us of with tales of solitary heroes? What do I believe in enough to abandon all? Nothing. Perhaps I am still too young. An ideal worth sacrificing everything for, that is what I need to shed this fear of solitude. Until then I must rely on my ability to act and hope that one day I can’t tell the difference between reality and character I’m playing. The world my theatre, friends and family my audience, a Kaufman-esque tribute: the story of my life.
He had changed in the time of his absence. The guilt of his parents’ deaths had pushed him away from those closest to him, but now he was a man wholly reconstructed by an ideal. His guilt and his need for revenge transformed into a fight for justice. The mask he bore was no longer that of a nocturnal vigilante but that of a man he once was. He loved her. He always has, but his pursuit of an ideal was greater than her. It was greater than him. He accepted his solitude as a necessity much like his secrecy. It was difficult to abandon love for something so unknown and infinite. There is the fight and nothing else, no one else. In the outer realms of legend, he was no longer merely a man.
At a point in my life where they seem to have run rampant, I’m exhausted. What is it I’m so afraid of? What am I running from, clinging to their distraction? Looking at my life in hindsight I notice a common pattern and I question the very roots of reasoning for leaving home. I do not consider myself a weak person, though there are several ex-companions that would argue otherwise. At the core I have few fears, most of which are trivial, superficial, and can be overcome with knowledge and understanding. But drowning in thought, a quiet so loud I can hear its resonance, I’ve learned what it is I fear more than anything in the world. Being alone. Anyone that has read anything I’ve written would notice the undertones of solitude leaking, perhaps gushing, from words. I scramble to cram thoughts and distractions into my mind in fear that any small void unfilled will be filled with fear itself.
It’s an unfortunate fear to have, very un-masculine of me. Consider our iconic man; the brawny, broad-shouldered hero of myth and legend. Whether he wears a cape and red underpants, or orders a vodka martini (shaken, not stirred), or is a titan of 1960s Madison Avenue, he is the man we epitomize. Ordinary young men furiously emulate bulging biceps while acting devil may care. Women swoon at the mere thought of these legendary men they want but cannot have. This is society’s ideal man, evolutionary perfection we chiseled from stone earth from the time of Odysseus to Indiana. These men fear nothing, not beast, nor man, nor solitude. In fact, solitude is the string that ties these legends together. Every iconic hero embraces solitude as the ideal partner, never held down by a tangible companion.
Instead they are weighed down by an ideal. Perhaps it was distrust, or a death, or guilt that led them to this path of enlightenment. Once they elevate mortal feelings to true sense of purpose, the ideal becomes beneficiary of body, mind and soul. There is nothing left for anything or anyone else. An ideal. Is love an ideal? I used to believe in love, as a naïve man does. Why do our heroes never fight for love? Is it a quality we reserve for women? What dangers are the keepers of our ancestry warning us of with tales of solitary heroes? What do I believe in enough to abandon all? Nothing. Perhaps I am still too young. An ideal worth sacrificing everything for, that is what I need to shed this fear of solitude. Until then I must rely on my ability to act and hope that one day I can’t tell the difference between reality and character I’m playing. The world my theatre, friends and family my audience, a Kaufman-esque tribute: the story of my life.
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